Raining…
Can’t see a thing
People running for cover
Narrow view from the terrace
The weatherman doesn’t know when the rain will stop
And none knows what the sky looks like beyond the clouds
One umbrella…
Printed with the colors of Spring
That came and passed too soon
One drenched body standing tall under it
Measuring the rain with a coffee-spoon
For the weatherman cannot be found
And none knows what the sky looks like beyond the clouds
Broken bridge…
Across the bend of the road
Eyes restless everywhere to reach a safe ground
Black coats and black boots run in order
To cross over the heaving river not knowing
What the sky looks like beyond the clouds
A broken roof…
Above a broken house
Pair of eyes look through a broken pane
Twitching the ring around her finger she
Had wished to stay in… waiting…
The weatherman had said he would return
To take her to the world beyond the clouds
The play has ended and the actors have gone,
The black boots with people in them stay on
The broken bridge is mended, the rain has ended
The stage is forlorn, and far beyond stands
The tall body with eyes looking beyond
Holding her lifeless in his arms and her ring on his finger,
Screams out lifting her up to the sky
As the black booted people close in to swallow her up
The weatherman stands paralyzed with the sky in his hands
The harbinger of Sun and Spring
And screams out with death in his voice
“None could see that the sky came down beyond the clouds.”
firstly, i cant help but feel that the poem has a quasi elegiac tone to it. it is more of a tale written in rhythm and thats where the success of free-verse lies. good job! also, i was a little unsure whether the duality of the weatherman(and the drenched body standing tall) was deliberate or if it came with the flow. coz at the end both of them become one while at the outset they were two different images with a string literal and poetic link.
ReplyDeletei love the use od irregular rhyming scheme and sporadic pentameter which you have done really well. i thing which i thought might be of some grammatical significance is changing "none knows" to "none know" but if u feel that that is what the verse needs then i will say GO FOR IT :)
THE BROKEN BRIDGE image is too know and familiar so no comments about that and the subsequent lines. I love, rather absolutely adore the uncertainty in "And none knows... beyond the clouds" at the end of every verse. Sort of acts as a blanket inference and crux of the whole imagery and sensitivity of the piece.
In the last verse, the earth shattering revelation that its just a play on the cosmic stage of providence provides the poem its climax with a sense of abrupt void and emptiness. Very dark I must say... It is magnified by "the broken bridge has mended and the rain has ended"... like life just spat upon the ME and the YOU and moved on.
Again the use of the ring as a motif is too known so I will skip that but I shud mention that it gives a lot of subjective context, after all you are a poet :) The broken house and the broken roof gives it a rustic imagery with a lot of nostalgia and I dare say hope. The weatherman's return dies a solitary death with your abrupt usage of the stage... good and uncommon technique.
"The weatherman stands paralyzed with the sky in his hands
The harbinger of Sun and Spring
And screams out with death in his voice
“None could see that the sky came down beyond the clouds." This has a lot of significance with the "current sense of supposed relity" which I hope will flourish into something else later.
"None could see... the clouds" is the anchor of the poem marking the end of the fable with an elliptical sense of timeless suspension. A canvas of grey without any blacks or whites. The fact that none could see that the sky came down due to the presence of the blinding clouds is the epitome of uncertainty which is the crux of the poem I believe.
I would rate this as 7.5 (being a miser) coz i dont want to run out of grades in the future. You are one of the most promising contemporary poets that I have read. Aand believe me, its not my trademark exaggeration :)
I just had a thought that "the sky" could be you as well. Sky came down beyond the clouds, the weatherman stand paralyzed with the sky in his hands synonymous with lifting her lifeless body...
ReplyDeletepower images.
ReplyDeleteoverall good poem.